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Foods That Are Supposed to Be Spread on Things that I Will (and Often Do) Eat Straight Out of the Jar With A Spoon


Do you watch Girls(I know that's like the dumb question Gen Y'ers ask each other at awkward parties; forgive the cliche.) Obviously, the show is chock full of life-affirming moments and Lena Dunham is the voice of a generation, blah blah. However, none were more life-affirming than, in this past week's episode, Hannah Horvath standing in her kitchen with Marnie and defending the legitimacy of her shitty job while eating frozen Cool-Whip out of the tub with a spoon. Especially with 30 Rock ending, I needed to know that I could continue to have those "I also want a guy at a bar to order me mozzarella sticks instead of a cocktail!" moments with television programs. And now I'm getting emotional (goodbye, Liz Lemon!).

Anyway, watching Girls made me want to let all my creepy I-eat-mayonnaise-with-a-spoon confessions out. Also, one time I finished some cream cheese that had been leftover in the office refrigerator from a bagel party.

There are the normal things that everyone eats out of a jar of which I totally approve:

  • Nutella
  • Cake Frosting (Really just Funfetti or homemade cream cheese frosting, though, cause I'm a connoisseur.)
  • Ice Cream (OK, ice cream barely even counts cause everyone but my mom does it. I remember my mom being grossed out by us eating ice cream straight from the half-gallon tub when we were little and me and my sister decided we didn't care because the freezer was definitely not a conducive environment for bacteria to grow. (Oh, and you can totally spread ice cream on bananas, cookies....))
  • Peanut Butter (This happens less because I enjoy the taste of peanut butter and more because I have no sweets in the house and it's the only thing that'll kind-of-maybe do the trick.)
  • Speculoos Spread (Wait, did you just say "what's speculoos spread?"!? Prepare to never. look. back.)
  • Reddi-wip
  • Jam/Preserves

There are the things that I eat with a spoon, and I highly recommend, but I feel like are a little less popular:

  • Condensed Milk (We had this around the house stupid amounts of often when I was growing up. Not complaining.)
  • Sour Cream/Creme Fraiche
  • Cream Cheese (See above.)
  • Smucker's Hot Fudge, post-microwave
  • Mayonnaise (My one and only true love.)

And there are some things that should NEVER be eaten unless condimenting (word? If not, why?) another food:

  • Ketchup
  • Mustard
  • Ranch Dressing
  • A1 Steak Sauce
  • Soy Sauce

What did I miss? What things do you eat with a spoon that you're "supposed" to spread on other things? Do you watch Girls? Do you know where I can buy a million of those little french mustard spoons? And, the real question; do you  think anyone in the office noticed that I ate all the cream cheese that one time?

Photo credit: PDX Food Love

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